As the short summer nights swelter, and the wisteria gives way to sweating lilies and the flashbulbs of desperate fireflies, it’s only natural that a young man’s mind turn to one thing:
Well, not so much she-males as chicks with dicks. Female penises.
This is a female spotted hyena, but you wouldn’t know it to ogle her. In fact, you can kind of see why Aristotle declared that there were no female hyenas. The female’s 8-inch false phallus is actually an elongated clitoris, through which they urinate, mate, and give birth. And I can only imagine that giving birth through a hole in your clit is nothing to laugh about. And it comes with an obvious drawback: most hyenas’ first-born cubs are stillborn, and 10% of first-time mothers die in childbirth as well. There must be an evolutionary payoff for having a penis.
Why am I thinking so much about this? Because the presence of a pseudo-penis in the female of a species could finally solve the most vexing mystery in the scientific world: Why do mammals have penises anyway?
After all, not everything does. Most birds don’t. (Though when they do, they really do. The male Muscovy duck has a healthy 14-incher that’s also corkscrew-shaped.) Why aren’t we like most birds, just rubbing cloacas together? Well, the ultimate goal of the penis is to get your sperm as close to the bullseye as possible. If we were all sexually monogamous, and forced sex didn’t exist, there would be no need for penises; we’d just rub cloacas. But instead, unfortunately, evolution favors rapists. Marilyn French famously said that “all men are rapists,” and while I disagree from a social standpoint, biologically speaking it’s the male’s ability to sexually dominate females that give it its ability to socially dominate females.
So females have retaliated. Why does the male Muscovy duck have a 14-inch corkscrew penis? Because the female has a 14-inch, labyrinthine vagina full of kinks and twists, which ensures that, if the male wants to put in more than just the tip, she’s going to have to let him. Lionesses use the same device. It’s an arms race of the sexes, each sex changing behaviors and extending body parts, seeking control over their reproductive choice.
Hence, the pseudo-penis. Instead of having a more complicated vagina, female hyenas have grown their own phalluses, ensuring complete control over who they mate with, and making rape non-existent in hyena culture. After all, sticking your 8″ real penis into her 8″ pseudopenis takes patience, skill, and one of the more complicated maneuvers in the Kama Sutra. Because female hyenas have won the battle for reproductive control, hyenas have a matriarchal society. Cubs always feed first, followed by the alpha female, the other females, and lastly, the males. There are drawbacks, but on the whole, it seems to be the ultimate in feminism to be able to swing your big dick.